we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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