If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
