oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
