Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
