When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
