i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
