Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize