ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
