I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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