im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
