youre lurking in front of me
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
