ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
