my phone needs a breathalizer
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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