I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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