i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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