Cold hands, warm shart.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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