Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
