Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
