I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
