If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
