if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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