He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Come on in and take your pants off
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