Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
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