i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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