We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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