can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Two words: nipple clamps
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