Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
