I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
