I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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