I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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