I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
