I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
