Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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