dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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