Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
