So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
