I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Mom said you looked used
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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