Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
