Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
