His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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