I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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