I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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