He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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