Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
