Just fell off a train. Bad.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
