Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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