Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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