Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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