She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
