Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
