i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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