To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
