The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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