I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I have already put on my inside pants.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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