I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
