NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
