Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
