Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
