Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
