I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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