I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
