i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
