Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
