You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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