So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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