woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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